Enter the Journey

September is almost here. I meant to update sooner (just like I meant to answer FB happy birthday posts and return to meditation and yoga sooner, too), but life has been nuts. I have pretty much zero balance in my life - every morning (wake up is at 5AM, and I even think that I might need to wake up sooner), every afternoon, and every evening is dominated by work. That being said, I have been waiting four years for this and wouldn't trade it for the world. Let's recap, shall we?

Work has been tough lately. I mean, really tough. Last week was kind of the chaotic low point. We began band rehearsals last week, and I quickly came to realize that I had NFI what I was doing. I can teach pretty well in a small group or private setting, but twenty kids with noisemakers in their hands was an entirely different story. Seriously, nothing in the world could've prepared me for this. I found that, on day three, I needed to redo my classroom management policies since it was just too chaotic, and little was being accomplished. Perhaps more importantly, I needed to lower my expectations. I was so used to teaching privately that I expected my students to learn way more than they actually could with twenty of them and one of me. Lesson learned. Also, after student teaching and doing some research, I decided that I needed to hold my students to the high standards that I would like them to achieve. I wasn't sure what could expect during student teaching, as the students weren't my own, and and didn't know much about what is normal for a high school wind musician. High standards worked well in Glee, but in this case, these students that I have really haven't been held to exceptionally high standards before, so jumping in head first, expecting a ton, didn't work out. It's one thing to have high behavioral expectations (and I do and am constantly striving to hold myself and my students to them), but it's another to have high musical expectations in a program that is just beginning to be rebuilt again. I learned the hard way that it is much better to accomplish something small and do it well than to rush through the plan because I feel like I have to. Lesson learned, the hard (but meaningful) way.

Also, I'd just like to add here that I'm beginning to fear failure less and less. I learn so much from every mistake, that they are beginning to be welcomed and not feared.

I had a rough couple days starting the kids in band, so I decided to switch us to the sectional format. The students have been thriving and are experiencing much more success. Tomorrow, I send home probably the fourth revision of our schedule in two weeks (I feel horrible about this), but it is at the request of the students since they are really learning a lot and I am able to better meet their needs. Again, live and learn.

After a particularly hard day, I felt like I wanted to cry; I felt so, so frustrated. I was a failure after being told by so many people that I'll be a superstar music teacher. I also had no idea how I would get through the day (AND the year). I found myself trying to cry, but totally unable to get anything to come out. I also turned to one of my very favorite professor's books, written about the first year of teaching music, for some advice. I was reminded that plenty of people have jobs (call them first jobs if you like - I have no idea if this will be my first job, only job, last job, or first out of many jobs) like this at first, and they get a ton of experience from it. Also, it seemed that several others were just as overwhelmed with their myriad of responsibilities like I was feeling. Finally, I was also reminded that more than anything, students want to experience success. And I was reminded that I should not overshoot a concert. I guess I was just feeling so successful after Glee that I thought I could shoot for the moon, and even if we miss, we will land among the stars. It's not that we can't shoot for the moon, it's just that we have to take our time in doing so. I felt refreshed, and went about helping students find success the next day. The funny thing is, no matter how bad my day or a situation seems to be, I am finding that there is a little voice deep inside that says "try again tomorrow" without fail. And you know what? I reflect, strive to improve, and tomorrow is better. These mistakes aren't fatal; they are essential to my development.

The next day was so much better. I came with a totally different attitude -- instead of being frustrated that my students weren't moving quicker, I came ready to celebrate any success that they might find, and to cultivate a culture of respect in each ensemble. It was tremendously more successful. It also happened that I was being observed (for the third time since the start of the school year!) by the principal. it couldn't have been better! I guess I learned a hard lesson just in time for an observation. :) Afterward, our principal (whom I am very fond of - he's an outstanding administrator!) wrote me a pretty formal letter of recommendation, sharing that he is very proud to be my administrator, and thanking me for my work at the school thus far. He was so incredibly supportive and seemed to be thrilled with the work I was doing. It helped me to see past that week, and end the week much better than it began. I wrote him after thanking him, and telling him how much it meant to me after such a crazy week. He assured me that there would be several more weeks like this, but encouraged me to reach out to my mentor teachers because they are all here to support and guide me. I couldn't feel more lucky. This is a very small school with limited resources, but it is most certainly not lacking in love or support.

I meant to get more done that weekend, but admittedly did enjoy many social interactions on Saturday. These lifted my soul. Even though there was plenty of work to be done, I did need a break. I had an awesome time with my bf on Saturday night! I'm beginning to feel for the first time in our three to four year relationship that we're having a chance to get to know each other in a different way. We've never been around each other for more than three months at a time, so this is nice! There is no rushing to hang out or get things done together. Also, I feel like our love (or at least mine) is maturing. I feel more capable of reaching compromises rather than getting upset or complaining. My mentor teacher gave me good advice about love the other day: she said that no person is perfect, and as we grow older, we grow a little more different. She said that what's lacking from today's relationships is that people are too ready to throw everything away when something isn't perfect, whereas people of her generation would compromise and strive to be understanding. That really blew me away, because I'm often one to want to throw things away (in any situation, not specificailly a relationship) when they don't go well. She reminded me that love takes work and it is not perfect. Also, in honors literature, we are reading To Kill a Mockingbird. Harper Lee implies that maturity is reached when one can walk in another's shoes. By this definition, I am definitely not mature yet, but I want to work toward this, and I feel myself improving, even if only slightly, everday.

I guess I'll just cut to the chase. Things have been better this week. I have come with a new and improved attitude toward the program and things have improved as a result. I have really, really sweet beginners who come in during lunch and WANT to practice! I also have a killer fifth grade hornist with an ear better than any other fifth grader I've ever worked with. There are a few kids who aren't great about showing up, but that is minor compared to the kids who come running in, ready for band at the start of the rehearsal. I guess my other frustrations this week have been...

That my students don't yet understand what a big deal music is, and don't show the respect to the downbeat of rehearsal and practice that I am used to. I would NEVER show up to band late or unprepared, but I must remember -- it took years for me to develop that. I was silly to expect that overnight, especially when that has never been the expectation. I must cultivate this culture. I have found that it has been easy with the young ones (they run around on the playground saying "early is on time, and on time is late!" but more challenging with the older ones. They aren't used to this, but I finally, on Thursday of the next week, feel like they are warming up to me and are kind of excited about band. Tardiness and attendance is still an issue (I have a very talented student who hasn't been to the last four rehearsals beacuse he forgets...I guess that's what I am up against for not having band in the schedule (it is during lunch and after school)), but it is getting better, and honestly, the change will probably take time. I guess I was expecting everyone to be on board right away, and to be able to begin selecting musically appropriate literature and programming themed concerts. It's not that I can't do that, it's just that I have lots of other smaller steps to take before I can worry about buying music that isn't in the method book and getting super creative. Still, I'm determined to include musicality and creativity everyday, and not just once we are more advanced. It's just really challenging. Once this year's beginners get it, they can help to spread the culture next year, and so forth. If I really love this job and the third graders now grow up with this culture, in a few years, things could really be spectacular. I'll just have to see if the pros outweigh the cons. It's looking a lot more like it will now that it's been a few weeks.

Next, my hall is rented out for community use during the nights and weekends. When I return the next morning, it is almost always not as I left it. Last night, the group LEFT THE FANS RUNNING ALL NIGHT, set the alarm incorrectly, moved around my chairs (WITH NAME TAGS ON THEM) and screwed up the seating for beginning orchestra, and flipped my white board around. It took me about twenty minutes, first thing in the morning, to remedy this. Luckily, the parish staff is insanely supporive and filled with wonderful people. They told me to keep them posted and immediately contacted the group to let them know that they can't do this. They let me know that it won't get better overnight, but to keep them informed everytime it happens. It's nice to have folks on your side.

I must say, though - starting orchestra this week was nothing but joyous! The third and fourth graders take to it SO incredibly naturally. They are very, very respectful and attentive, and seriously a joy to work with! The older orchestral beginners are catching on even quicker, and are serving as beautiful role models for the younger ones. They have great ears and enjoyed tuning their instruments together. They are all so respectful, and since there are only four older ones, we get a ton done. I just spent an hour last night writing emails to parents whose children were excelling (per the awesome recommendation of our principal), and the response from the parents has been incredibly encouraging. So many of my students are off to great start that I can't help but feel happy. My two advanced strings players are already halfway through a duet, too! There is much, much work to be done here, but the students are receptive and a lot of fun to work with. It's not so much that I need to lower my standards as it is that I need to remember that they are seeking success and gently raise my musical standards for them (and NOT overprogram like I was about to)as time goes on. I think that we will have to aim for easier music this year (at least for the advanced students - the beginners will progress normally), but we will aim to do a really, really good job on it.

I've been conducting the eighth graders on their annual church song, and they present their gift of praise tomorrow in mass. I am also playing the portions of the mass on piano for the first time tomorrow, and am both nervous and really excited! At first, the eighth graders were really difficult to work with as a group - some of them (a very select few) were screwing around and not focusing, but today was an entirely different story - they were awesome, super focused, and very respectful. I finally feel like I'm building a solid relationship with them, which will hopefully pay off when I have to solo teach them. I really feel like I'm bonding with the honors literature students, so that helps a lot too. I had one incidient with a student being disrespectful that I can't disclose here, but let's just say that this student in some ways wasn't to blame, and it was handled and is now not an issue. Things are getting better, and I'm beginning to feel more like I'm part of campus life.

On that note, my fellow faculty members are insanely supportive. They are so, so kind, and I feel like everybody is looking out for me and asing me how I'm doing. Really, the love is all around. I couldn't feel more blessed!

Finally, I went back to the former Honolulu Community Concert Band (now the Honolulu Wind Ensemble) this week, despite being exhausted from work, and it was the best thing I could've done for myself! I felt very warmly welcomed back, and even thoguh my endurance was gone after two seconds, it was awesome to play again. The people there are so wonderful, and I truly, truly missed playing horn. I probably won't be studying privately again for a while, but it's OK because my work is cut out for me. No matter how tired I am, I will make it a point to go to rehearsal. I'm beginning to see the importance of being an artist educator, and not a has-been.

OK, forreal, one final thing. I've found that I'm so busy that I have to schedule time in to use the bathroom and drink water, or I'll forget to do it. Weird, huh? Yeah, way weird. Until next time!