I guess the Essential Elements really are essential...

I am tired. And manic.

I have never felt exhaustion and a splitting headache like I have today. Quite frankly, I wasn't sure how I would make it through today. It doesn't sound like much, but I had to get to school early to make several copies, inform teachers of the rehearsal schedule today, pick up the new books for my honors literature class, give a quiz, begin a new book, run a brief percussion orientation, work with the eighth graders in general music to prepare for their upcoming performance, size all students for string instruments, begin our elective offering (intermediate strings: liturgical music), and attend my first Oahu band directors association meeting. This is my light day.


Update: it is 3:49pm the next day. Somehow I survived again, although I'm not sure how. I only had to to teach honors literature in addition to beginning out band students and meeting with concert band for the first time. I realize that this is not a lot to do, but there are so many things, like sorting out rental information, and running off copies, and disinfecting mouthpieces, and making sure that everything is in working order before the students arrive. It was similar today, though maybe better:

Literature was good - it was nice to get back to discussing books after a long week of book tests and housekeeping items and four day weekends. Still, one of my students caught me off guard with a question I couldn't answer about a book, and I felt so bad - up until now, I have been very prepared and totally able to answer any questions that came my way. This time, I couldn't, and it sucked. I am going to make a very clear diagram for them to answer this question, but I still hate it when I feel unprepared, or like I've let somebody down.

Next, was beginning our brass players. Not too bad! Although, we only had fifteen minutes, and by the time they arrived, ten. I didn't get around to helping everyone get set up, but by the end of our first rehearsal this afternoon, they seem to have figured it out, so I guess no harm, no foul.

Next was lunch. I have been hungry for energy lately in a way that is entirely new to me. I ate to my heart's content, but while I was stuffing my face, could only think "this is how so many teachers get fat.". No offense, but you're just exhausted and starved, so you stuff your face and have no time for smaller snacks in between meals, and then get fat cause there's no time for exercise after school. I'm going to deal with the stress of this week and all of these new-found emotions by going for a run this afternoon. Hopefully that will also help with the extremely generous portions of lunch I ate this afternoon.

Next was setting up our woodwind players. Two didn't show - great. The rest got set up just fine, except it's really hard to bounce around from player to player. I just wish I could have half an hour with each student - oh wait, that's how they do it in NY! Those two students I mentioned? They showed up right at the last minute. Luckily they had rehearsal planned for after school. During this half an hour of lunch recess, I kept hearing "Ms. Arbaugh" literally every five seconds. I seriously thought I was going to snap.

After lunch, I stared blankly at the wall. Once I recovered from that, I delivered a few things and picked myself up, deciding that when I had bad days teaching Glee, I simply decided to change my attitude, and things were quickly improved.

I took that approach with our last rehearsal of the day, beginning band rehearsal #1. It was so great to have students in the room, and I thanked them for coming and asked them how they were doing - what a difference! Then, I got them going, played some quick games, and got around to each student. Again, it was really hard to balance a room full of beginners in half an hour, but we did it, and by the end, I was standing up on my makeshift podium, in front of a quiet, attentive ensemble, asking each student to play their first note, one at a time. Everyone found some success with something, and we said our goodbyes.

I did have a broken alto sax to fight with, but I did the best I could with it, closed up the room, chatted with a really neat student while she waited for her mom, and then took off. Breathed. It didn't end so poorly.

In two days, I've already changed my philosophy. Students need structure, and like it. I was going to not used method books and do this whole rote teaching project thing I came up with in creativity. All is not lost, and I'm not abandoning it, I just think I'm going to have to combine it with method books. The students forgot everything I taught them almost immediately - how can I expect them to go home and remember how to hold their instrument without a guide? I was going to start them off with a series of handouts and whatnot that I compiled during my time at IC. I'm beginning to see that not everyone checks their email, and not everyone goes to the website,so I can't expect them to get these handouts, and I can't be making 300 pages of copies a day. I was feeling really overwhelmed, thinking I had to run to the music store, buy books, sticks, oils, whatnot, until I called my co-worker and we came up with a solution: we want these kids to build a relationship with the music store, so off to the store they go! In the mean time, we will lend them our Yamaha band method books and all about strings? Method books to use as a resource. By labor day, they will have gone to the store to buy their materials. We can communicate this through fliers and emails. Done.

Whew. I'm feeling a lot better, but still very overwhelmed. Glee was a breeze for me, and this job started out likewise. However, the last two days have been totally overwhelming, just like student teaching was in weeks two and three, when I felt like I couldn't do anything right. The difference is, this time, nobody is telling me what I'm doing wrong, but I still know. I guess I feel it even more simply because these truly are my kids and I want only the best for them. For now, I just keep plugging on, suddenly only able to think of one day and one moment and one to-do list item at a time. I fix problems as we go, consult with my mentor (thank the Lord for her!), and make a list of things to do diffently in my second year.

Is this what it's like for everyone? At least knowing my students are having fun and making good progress for day one is enough. I just can't possibly see past this week.

Also, personal balance? What is that? I haven't worn anything except work clothes in three days, have failed to respond to anything on Facebook, or do anything except work. Yet somehow, that's ok. This is my new life and my new job. Personal balance can eat it for a while. Just know that come the weekend, once I'm caught up, and come fall break, I'm going to drink heavily. That is all. :)