A New Transition: Doctoral Studies!!!

Hello, friends!

I’ve been fairly silent on my transition from teacher to full-time doc student, as well as silent in general in my blogosphere. A look back at my blog reveals that I really only turn to it in times of (challenging) growth. As I close in on the ending of my first semester, I have a lot on my mind. When asked how doc studies are going, I’m not sure if I should nervously laugh, admit that I feel like a total fraud, or let out a sheepish, “fine.” Well, in the thick of final papers and after nearly a semester of coursework, I think I’m finally making some connections - both personal and academic. I’m not looking for any validation here, nor am I feeling terribly pessimistic. I just want to accurately record these fleeting thoughts and grapple with them before I move on to my second semester, become comfortable, and forget how I ever felt as a brand new doc student. This is more for my own posterity than anything else, but if you truly want to know how things are going, take a read!

In full disclosure, I hid this post from anyone with whom I work or attend classes. Everyone has been incredibly welcoming and helpful, but for now, I feel like writing without reservation of what my new colleagues might think. In general, there are three recurring themes throughout the major professional transitions in my relatively short career. They are 1. holy crap, I have no idea what I’m doing; 2. I’m a fraud! They made a mistake!; and 3. OK, I’m learning a lot every day, but I still feel like everyone knows so much more than me. I’ll explore similarities between this transition and my transition from IC to SJV, and comment on the differences.

1. Well, this is it. I’ve officially fallen from my prime to rock bottom. (OK, I’m being REALLY dramatic - I don’t feel like that at all). But I did transition from skating through my MM to feeling like I’m missing a TON of assumed knowledge in my PhD. How does everybody else already know how to design an intervention? Do these people constantly read research all day? Am I the only one who doesn’t know how to or when to run an ANOVA? What the hell is a theoretical framework?! Why are they such a big deal in my social dev class, but rarely discussed in MUED? Help.

Reflecting upon my first semester at SJV, I actually thought a lot of these thoughts. I remember feeling like every other teacher had it together. EVERY OTHER BAND DIRECTOR in Hawai’i knew how to lead their students to success. Their bands sounded awesome and their students were respectful. I was the only one who had no idea what I was doing. OK, so in retrospect, that’s totally normal. One of my favorite people, a third-year doc student who has so kindly taken me under her wing told me that those feelings are completely normal. A prof told me that if I’m not always confused and looking something up, I’m not a real doc student. I remember the confusion and frustration of my first year of teaching. I spent HOURS researching things online, only to feel like I knew less than when I started. Same smell. At least this time around, I hope I can keep proper perspective, and remember that this is a transition and I’ll eventually figure things out. Since starting this program, I’ve had to adjust to the fact that if I don’t know something, it’s totally on me to figure it out. That’s not a problem - I’m a go-getter - but I can’t help but feel that everyone knows so much more than me. OK, I’m the youngest MUED doc student by a decade. Still, everyone seems to have everything figured out. I can only hope that I’ll catch up and then some like I did as a young teacher. It all worked out - I figured things out, ended up with a whole new set of questions, and eventually became comfortable with the uncertainty. Waiting for that calm….any day now…

2. I’m a fraud!!!!! I’m profoundly humbled to have received the largest/most prestigious award that UMD offers. With that honor comes the crushing responsibility of not screwing up. I also feel like mayyyybe they should’ve given it to one of the other 22,000 applicants…just saying. When I realize that I have no idea what I’m doing, or feel like the dumbest person in the room, I feel pretty guilty that the university has invested so heavily in my education. I can only hope that one day, I’m able to live up to the trust placed in me and actually contribute to our field. Until then, I’m trying to ask as many questions to learn as much as possible without revealing that I actually know nothing. This is pretty much exactly how I felt especially during my first year of teaching, but also on some level, every single day. Shhh…don’t give my secret away!!

3. OK, so I have to admit - even though I feel behind, I am learning a ton. I know so much more than when I started just a few short months ago. However, I feel like I’m not learning fast enough, or as much as others. I feel like I should’ve learned all of this already. If I can take a page from my teaching experience, then I should figure things out soon enough and end up doing pretty well for myself. I felt like such failure during my firs year. By the time I left SJV, I realized what a profound impact I had on those around me. What happened in the middle? I can’t really explain it, but things got better. I caught up. I was by no means exemplary or a model teacher, but I figured it out enough to have some success and learn something new each day. I hope that soon enough, I stop feeling like everyone knows something I don’t know. Maybe I’ll actually feel like I got somewhere by the time my dissertation rolls around. Although I can visualize myself completing it, I have no stinkin’ idea what it’ll be on or what kinds of things I’ll have learned to prepare me to tackle that beast.

Now that I’ve considered the similarities to past transitions, I want to acknowledge and give thanks for the the differences. First of all, i miss teaching more than anything. Part of me wants to run back to the classroom where I knew I was moderately successful and felt super knowledgeable and safe. That would be the easy route. I felt the same way when I started teaching - I wanted nothing more than to go back to school, where I knew I would be successful. Hah! School would be so easy, I thought. It’s funny how I feel the same way about returning to teaching.

Despite missing the classroom, there are some pretty fantastic perks of being a full-time student. First of all, I rarely go in five days a week. Lately, I’ve bad a bunch of meetings on Mondays, but for most of the semester, Mondays were my day off. I’d wake up, hit up the local coffee shop, get ahead on work, and then go for a long run. I rarely woke up anxious for the work week because I had the opportunity to ease into it! Also, I get to work out in an incredible gym a few days of the week. I go for nice long swims, lift, or do some cardio. The facilities are beautiful, and I end up returning to my work feeling refreshed. I remember thinking that I’d give anything to have a day off or work out time during the day while I was teaching.

Additionally, I feel entirely free to make my own choices. If I have to leave early or arrive late to office hours because of a doctor’s appointment, I can do so. Nobody is micromanaging me, which is nice because I tend to put in extra work time anyway. We’re all treated as adults and get to make our own decisions. The flip side of that is that I have to make my own decisions, but hey - it’s a chance to experience something less rigid than the elementary school day.

As challenging as some of my assignments are, the biggest stress in my life is just that - homework. If I get a B (which I already have…ugh, but I’m over it), it’s only on me. I don’t let down students or families or have to worry about finding a sub if I’m feeling under the weather. I loved teaching, but it also came with the weight of the world on my shoulders. OK, that’s pretty dramatic - nobody died if I did a poor job, but even though I don’t take myself seriously, I took the job just as seriously as a doctor would take theirs.

Finally, it’s nice to be around adults. I miss the love and honesty from my kids, but enjoy the change of pace as well. My absolute FAVORITE part of the week is taking junior student teachers to a middle school. They are the greatest - they’re so thoughtful, musical, and personable. I love watching them improve each week, and feel the same satisfaction when they have an “aha” moment as when my littlest students did. Something I enjoy is that we can have really involved conversations. I love the way that I’m challenged by my students, and feel that I’m growing and learning as an educator because of them. One of the junior student teachers comes in every Friday to each lunch with me, and that’s the best part of my week. I enjoy have the very conversations that ignited my passion for teaching only a handful of years ago, albeit from the other side.

I guess that’s all I have for now. Clearly, things are good. It’s interesting to be the rookie again, but if I can take a page from my time at SJV, I know it’ll go by so quickly. Maybe I’ll figure things out - whatever that means - and won’t ever look back. Or maybe I’ll be so jaded by academia in a few years that I run straight for the elementary music classroom with my new title in hand and hopefully a nice salary bump following closely behind. Either way, I’m looking forward to getting as much out of this opportunity as I can, and to Christmas vacation/Hawaii!!! Ahhh! Three more weeks! Let’s do this!!!

Nightmares, Relationships, and New Beginnings

It's only been two weeks since my last post, but enough unusual phenomena have taken place to warrant a post mid-break.

First of all, my main reason for blogging is that I have had three stress-nightmares in a row, and four in total post-concert season. I had one or two unnerving dreams pre-concert season, but to have so many, and such vivid dreams once the whole ordeal is over is really unusual, I think.

First dream was a week or so ago, so I don't remember the details.
Second dream: two nights ago. Here is the summary from Facebook.

it was the day after our first instrumental concert, and I had asininely scheduled another one, for the very next day, with the same kids. SAME KIDS, DIFFERENT MUSIC. But I had not yet picked a program, nor had the kids learned this imaginary music, and I was tweaking out cause it was 6pm, and the downbeat was at 6:30. I went to change, so I could head over to the church to try to drum up a program, run some songs with the kids, and maybe, if we had five extra minutes, tune. When I got to the faculty restroom, I found that all I had was a pink bikini and a light blue bikini. And slippers. I had to walk back to school in my beachwear, only to find an orange dress in the closet. The principal and my parents were nonchalantly chatting with me as my panic attack was strengthening. Thankfully the parking lot wasn't full yet, and we didn't have a spaghetti dinner planned for this night, but I knew that I couldn't bail now, and the show must go on. As I started to gather students and music, I realized that this was a dream, and kicked and thrashed about in bed to wake myself up and put myself out of my misery.

I know that psychologists of the past and present have been unable to come to a conclusion on the purpose of dreams. Some say they represent your day, some say they are your subconscious desires, and some say they mean nothing at all. I'm not sure what I believe, but this dream came the night before I was slated to get back to work and pick rep and begin prep.

Third dream: I was in the school basement, and my mentor teacher was conducting a band rehearsal. She had a lot of prep beats and I wasn't used to seeing prep beats like hers, but we began to rehearse, and she asked me to sit in with the trumpet section and play. We were playing Sleepers Wake. All of a sudden, she says, "OK, Dana, I'm done, do you want to come up here and continue?" I of course agreed, but I had no idea that I would be teaching that day, and had no plans, no rep, and no idea what I wanted to achieve with the group. I fumbled with the method book to find something (which normally would be very easy), but I lost control of the classroom, and the pastor was in the room having a business meeting with another parish administrator, and I was so embarrassed. One of my special needs students screamed, "SHUT UP!!!" in my face, and since there were other adults in the room, I escorted him to the principal's office, which I normally wouldn't do, but only did in once case when a fight broke out in general music while both my mentor teacher and I were present.

Analysis: I had mostly picked my rep, but I didn't purchase any of it, I just said I would buy it later. This gave me the nudge that I needed to sit down with my credit card and make it final.

FOURTH dream: I was in the school parking lot, on the second day of the new semester, at a green picnic table. I was holding rehearsal there because the hall was unavailable (two days after school every week, I rehearse elsewhere to share the space with hula). The first day, everyone seemed to know of the new rehearsal schedule (I change it quarterly to address specific needs), and I email it out a week or two before the new quarter. I have yet to email it out because there is plenty of time before the new quarter, and there was no time to get it out right before the end of the quarter. I saw some advanced students, and told them that they need to meet me, because there's a concert band rehearsal. For some reason, we started at 7:40am instead of 7:15am, AND I was late to work, which has yet to happen. I saw concert band students running toward the hall, and remembered thinking that they were going to the wrong place, but I wasn't trying to stop them. I saw a string student who we recruited after the concert, and even though she has played before, I had asked her to start in beginning orchestra, where she could catch up on the basics before switching to concert orchestra. For some reason, I told her that she had rehearsal. There seemed to be confusion, so a student asked me what was going on, and when I checked, NONE of the concert groups had their rehearsals in the morning, since I had just made the decision to make their rehearsals exclusively after school (real life, too). But I didn't even know my own rehearsal schedule, and lost a whole rehearsal because of it. Furthermore, there was a field trip scheduled (wtf??!?!) and I had to go on it alone because none of the students knew about it and nobody brought any instruments to school.

Analysis: This dream has several real-life elements. In addition to the scheduling realities, I drafted an email to the parents and completed the schedule, but I wanted to sit on it for a few days and make sure it's exactly how I want it and make sure it works well before I email it out, and make it final. Also, our band is going to have an exchange with the KIS band, and I have yet to do field trip forms, run it by the principal, or inform parents. Of course, there is plenty of time before this event so I'm not at all behind, and none of these things are urgent at this point, so I don't want to bother anybody on their break with something that isn't super important.

So, we'll see what nightmares I have tonight! I've been sleeping fairly well, but waking up during the 5am hour with these nightmares, and just end up staying up. It seems that my nightmares, with the exception of the first one (I can't remember it at this point, but it wasn't related to anything and wasn't as threatening because it didn't make sense), are related to what I need to do, or what I haven't totally finished to the point of crossing off my to-do list. My third nightmare also got me into gear enough to arrange Ye Banks and Braes O' Bonnie Doon for my 7-piece concert band. It's amazing what a little subconscious anxiety will do!

Enough about nightmares, and onto a heavier topic. Since my last post, my boyfriend and I broke up. In full disclosure, you won't find any ex-bashing or juicy details here. Rather, this blog has been my public-friendly, safe space to chronicle this post-college journey. If I ignored this big event, then this blog wouldn't be accurately representing my trials and triumphs. This blog is technically public, however, and I respect everyone I write about, so any really personal remarks are reserved for my inner-most circle of friends, and would only be made in person, and in complete confidence. If you're looking for a soap opera reenactment of what happened, stop looking - you won't find it from either of us.

In short, I think the end of this relationship surprised and let down any mutual friends more than it did us. I personally felt much guilt over it because several friends have told me things like, "If D and D can survive 5,000 miles of distance, so can we." I can't speak for others, but for me, I've been very anxious for the last year or so because I was still changing and growing, and felt that my desires and philosophy were heading in a different direction from the shared desires of the relationship. Things were never bad or sketchy, I just started to want things that the relationship was unlikely to offer, and felt anxious because my inner change meant that it was either the relationship or pursuing my dreams. We didn't end on bad terms and are remaining friends, but that doesn't mean it's easy or simple to navigate such a large life change. More on that in regards to new beginnings later. Because I'm a personal growth junkie, here's what I took away from this four-year experience:

I need to find somebody who wants me for me, and somebody I want for him. I never had any patience for girls who tried to change their boyfriends, and I always worked to not be one of those girls. Despite this, I think that I was hoping that little glimpses of what I wanted, which were always present in the relationship, would blossom into what the relationship would look like most of the time. I didn't have the heart to make any demands or ask for big change, so we mutually agreed that it's best for us to find somebody who already shares those personal philosophies instead of trying to elicit deep change from someone. Changing a specific bothersome behavior is one thing, but changing personal philosophies and life dreams isn't for the best.

I've also learned that love is action, not words. This is not just a lesson in love, but a lesson in life, as actions speak louder than words. It's also important to note that different people show love in different ways. In any case, a guy might not be comfortable always saying he loves you or spewing romantic poetry, but if he shows you, in his own ways, that he loves and respects you, and celebrates events that are important to the two of you, that is gold.

On a more personal note, I've learned to be less reactive. This is by far the biggest area in need of improvement in my life. I take way too seriously what other people say about me, and this is the area in which I am focusing my efforts right now. It's easy for me to totally crumble when anyone says anything harsh to me, whether it's true or untrue. In most cases, it's untrue, but like everything, these slams are usually multifaceted and contain some elements of truth. In any case, I will strive to improve keeping my cool in difficult situations.

A dear friend pointed out to me, when we were discussing the end of the relationship, that not only is it good that I now know what I want and don't want in a relationship, but I've also gained some pretty nice traits. For example, my moral radar is a lot stronger than it would've been without this relationship. This friend also pointed out that I worked really hard in college because I spent so much time around someone who made his work his life. She said that even though I'm free to find a healthier relationship, I'll always carry that work ethic with me, and it is probably largely responsible for my successful college experience. That is very true - before this relationship, I felt that my abilities were limited and that I wasn't very intelligent or talented. I supposed I learned by example that hard work can always bring about improvements, and surpassed my own expectations for myself. It is certainly annoying when people post GPAs on Facebook, and I must admit that I have been guilty of this, but the reason my cumulative GPA was such a big deal for me was that I spent most of middle and high school thinking that I was dumb. I was consistently a B student and felt that I was always slated to be that way. Graduating with a 3.91 certainly blew that belief to shreds, and without the relationship, I would've never expected that of myself, nor pushed to achieve it. I also, on some level, felt that I had to achieve as much as I could and be "smart" to earn the respect of my partner. Ultimately, this brought huge amounts of anxiety (which has pretty much disappeared by this point), but it also pushed me to new heights. I think that a healthier dose of this pressure will serve me well in the future, without all of the added internal pressures of having to earn respect.

And finally, respect. I have learned, if nothing else, that relationships are built upon respect and equality. These two qualities should not need to be earned by accomplishments (I'm not saying that this was the issue in the relationship, just making the statement more concrete), but should be inherent and mutual. I'm not sure what I want at this point, but I'm open to anything and am willing to try anything twice. I do know, however, that whenever my next relationship develops, whether it's near or far, I want to be with somebody who loves and respects me as his partner in crime, his best friend, and his co-pilot. If one of us falls down, we should be there to dust the other off, reassure them, help them figure out what went wrong, and get moving toward the next adventure.

New beginnings - because this is the new year, and because my life has significantly changed, and will continue to change. During my senior year, I started to realize that I loved research and wanted to be part of the world of academia. That being said, I've loved teaching and don't ever want to give that up. Even though I want to pursue higher degrees in the near future, I never want to leave the classroom, and I want to possibly continue to work with this age group forever. Now, it's my chance - the power is in my hands to take my career in the direction that I desire. It started to hit me recently that my life is going to be different, especially when I had nothing to do one evening after my work was done. That being said, I'm taking this time to find out who I am, because I'm still only beginning to find that out, and to meet as many wonderful people as possible. Every time I get out of the house despite wanting to stay in and read, I have a great time. For me, this will be the year of developing my friendships, finding myself, and having a little fun. And for the record, here are my 2013 resolutions:

Get to know myself, and get comfortable with who I am
Travel!
Build meaningful relationships
Run the 2013 Honolulu Marathon
Apply to grad school

Until next time, Happy New Year! Here's to a prosperous 2013 for all!