Hello, friends!
I’ve been fairly silent on my transition from teacher to full-time doc student, as well as silent in general in my blogosphere. A look back at my blog reveals that I really only turn to it in times of (challenging) growth. As I close in on the ending of my first semester, I have a lot on my mind. When asked how doc studies are going, I’m not sure if I should nervously laugh, admit that I feel like a total fraud, or let out a sheepish, “fine.” Well, in the thick of final papers and after nearly a semester of coursework, I think I’m finally making some connections - both personal and academic. I’m not looking for any validation here, nor am I feeling terribly pessimistic. I just want to accurately record these fleeting thoughts and grapple with them before I move on to my second semester, become comfortable, and forget how I ever felt as a brand new doc student. This is more for my own posterity than anything else, but if you truly want to know how things are going, take a read!
In full disclosure, I hid this post from anyone with whom I work or attend classes. Everyone has been incredibly welcoming and helpful, but for now, I feel like writing without reservation of what my new colleagues might think. In general, there are three recurring themes throughout the major professional transitions in my relatively short career. They are 1. holy crap, I have no idea what I’m doing; 2. I’m a fraud! They made a mistake!; and 3. OK, I’m learning a lot every day, but I still feel like everyone knows so much more than me. I’ll explore similarities between this transition and my transition from IC to SJV, and comment on the differences.
1. Well, this is it. I’ve officially fallen from my prime to rock bottom. (OK, I’m being REALLY dramatic - I don’t feel like that at all). But I did transition from skating through my MM to feeling like I’m missing a TON of assumed knowledge in my PhD. How does everybody else already know how to design an intervention? Do these people constantly read research all day? Am I the only one who doesn’t know how to or when to run an ANOVA? What the hell is a theoretical framework?! Why are they such a big deal in my social dev class, but rarely discussed in MUED? Help.
Reflecting upon my first semester at SJV, I actually thought a lot of these thoughts. I remember feeling like every other teacher had it together. EVERY OTHER BAND DIRECTOR in Hawai’i knew how to lead their students to success. Their bands sounded awesome and their students were respectful. I was the only one who had no idea what I was doing. OK, so in retrospect, that’s totally normal. One of my favorite people, a third-year doc student who has so kindly taken me under her wing told me that those feelings are completely normal. A prof told me that if I’m not always confused and looking something up, I’m not a real doc student. I remember the confusion and frustration of my first year of teaching. I spent HOURS researching things online, only to feel like I knew less than when I started. Same smell. At least this time around, I hope I can keep proper perspective, and remember that this is a transition and I’ll eventually figure things out. Since starting this program, I’ve had to adjust to the fact that if I don’t know something, it’s totally on me to figure it out. That’s not a problem - I’m a go-getter - but I can’t help but feel that everyone knows so much more than me. OK, I’m the youngest MUED doc student by a decade. Still, everyone seems to have everything figured out. I can only hope that I’ll catch up and then some like I did as a young teacher. It all worked out - I figured things out, ended up with a whole new set of questions, and eventually became comfortable with the uncertainty. Waiting for that calm….any day now…
2. I’m a fraud!!!!! I’m profoundly humbled to have received the largest/most prestigious award that UMD offers. With that honor comes the crushing responsibility of not screwing up. I also feel like mayyyybe they should’ve given it to one of the other 22,000 applicants…just saying. When I realize that I have no idea what I’m doing, or feel like the dumbest person in the room, I feel pretty guilty that the university has invested so heavily in my education. I can only hope that one day, I’m able to live up to the trust placed in me and actually contribute to our field. Until then, I’m trying to ask as many questions to learn as much as possible without revealing that I actually know nothing. This is pretty much exactly how I felt especially during my first year of teaching, but also on some level, every single day. Shhh…don’t give my secret away!!
3. OK, so I have to admit - even though I feel behind, I am learning a ton. I know so much more than when I started just a few short months ago. However, I feel like I’m not learning fast enough, or as much as others. I feel like I should’ve learned all of this already. If I can take a page from my teaching experience, then I should figure things out soon enough and end up doing pretty well for myself. I felt like such failure during my firs year. By the time I left SJV, I realized what a profound impact I had on those around me. What happened in the middle? I can’t really explain it, but things got better. I caught up. I was by no means exemplary or a model teacher, but I figured it out enough to have some success and learn something new each day. I hope that soon enough, I stop feeling like everyone knows something I don’t know. Maybe I’ll actually feel like I got somewhere by the time my dissertation rolls around. Although I can visualize myself completing it, I have no stinkin’ idea what it’ll be on or what kinds of things I’ll have learned to prepare me to tackle that beast.
Now that I’ve considered the similarities to past transitions, I want to acknowledge and give thanks for the the differences. First of all, i miss teaching more than anything. Part of me wants to run back to the classroom where I knew I was moderately successful and felt super knowledgeable and safe. That would be the easy route. I felt the same way when I started teaching - I wanted nothing more than to go back to school, where I knew I would be successful. Hah! School would be so easy, I thought. It’s funny how I feel the same way about returning to teaching.
Despite missing the classroom, there are some pretty fantastic perks of being a full-time student. First of all, I rarely go in five days a week. Lately, I’ve bad a bunch of meetings on Mondays, but for most of the semester, Mondays were my day off. I’d wake up, hit up the local coffee shop, get ahead on work, and then go for a long run. I rarely woke up anxious for the work week because I had the opportunity to ease into it! Also, I get to work out in an incredible gym a few days of the week. I go for nice long swims, lift, or do some cardio. The facilities are beautiful, and I end up returning to my work feeling refreshed. I remember thinking that I’d give anything to have a day off or work out time during the day while I was teaching.
Additionally, I feel entirely free to make my own choices. If I have to leave early or arrive late to office hours because of a doctor’s appointment, I can do so. Nobody is micromanaging me, which is nice because I tend to put in extra work time anyway. We’re all treated as adults and get to make our own decisions. The flip side of that is that I have to make my own decisions, but hey - it’s a chance to experience something less rigid than the elementary school day.
As challenging as some of my assignments are, the biggest stress in my life is just that - homework. If I get a B (which I already have…ugh, but I’m over it), it’s only on me. I don’t let down students or families or have to worry about finding a sub if I’m feeling under the weather. I loved teaching, but it also came with the weight of the world on my shoulders. OK, that’s pretty dramatic - nobody died if I did a poor job, but even though I don’t take myself seriously, I took the job just as seriously as a doctor would take theirs.
Finally, it’s nice to be around adults. I miss the love and honesty from my kids, but enjoy the change of pace as well. My absolute FAVORITE part of the week is taking junior student teachers to a middle school. They are the greatest - they’re so thoughtful, musical, and personable. I love watching them improve each week, and feel the same satisfaction when they have an “aha” moment as when my littlest students did. Something I enjoy is that we can have really involved conversations. I love the way that I’m challenged by my students, and feel that I’m growing and learning as an educator because of them. One of the junior student teachers comes in every Friday to each lunch with me, and that’s the best part of my week. I enjoy have the very conversations that ignited my passion for teaching only a handful of years ago, albeit from the other side.
I guess that’s all I have for now. Clearly, things are good. It’s interesting to be the rookie again, but if I can take a page from my time at SJV, I know it’ll go by so quickly. Maybe I’ll figure things out - whatever that means - and won’t ever look back. Or maybe I’ll be so jaded by academia in a few years that I run straight for the elementary music classroom with my new title in hand and hopefully a nice salary bump following closely behind. Either way, I’m looking forward to getting as much out of this opportunity as I can, and to Christmas vacation/Hawaii!!! Ahhh! Three more weeks! Let’s do this!!!
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