Real world - vacation edition

Sup. It's been a while since my last blog because I got to experience the craziness that is the end of the quarter, and because I've been on vacation! Let's do the reader's digest version of what's happened so I can delve into some meatier questions.

Did grades. Holy mother, I severely underestimated the amount of time that would take. Long story short, I wrote about a paragraph for every student to accompany the letter grade. I was both congratulated for this and told to write less next quarter, hah. I am so perfectly ok with the constructive criticism, cause I never want to spend that much time on grades again!!

The last week was a pretty productive one for rehearsals, and a very successful one for our sixth graders who rocked the church on the last day of the quarter with their class gift of music. I found myself, two days before vacation, realizing I needed to be on a plane in two days. In college, I would anticipate the break for weeks before it would come. In this case, it seemed like so many more important things needed to be dealt with fully before I could enter the vacation mindset. When it did come, it felt so surreal. However, the last day, and the last week to some extent, were new experiences for me. For the first time, I had to navigate a real world adult challenge as a barely-twenty-two-year-old.

I won't get too much into it here, both because it doesn't need to be public knowledge, and because it seems at least somewhat behind us, but I spent my last week feeling very torn between some of the other teachers. Basically, a situation developed that really had little to do with me, but I inadvertently got involved because of my job teaching honors literature. Again, nobody was trying to put me in any sort of negative situation, and every single person I work with has been so great, but I did end up getting kind of torn and receiving conflicting information. Ultimately, we were able to discuss the situation (by email, after we had left for vacation), and I think at the very least, things are in the open now. I feel much better, but definitely left for vacation feeling stressed and a little upset. My ability to be a great teacher was hindered because I ultimately had to give up class and personal time to deal with some of these issues, but we are all better for it, and I just love how it seems that everyone is open and willing to work together. What it seems to me is that we all want the same thing (every student to be tremendously successful) but we all of different ways of approaching this, and feelings can be hurt and egos bruised when we try to discuss these differences. However, I think that it's all minutiae if we are all working toward the same goal and touch base often. I certainly don't have a strong opinion yet in many of the issues we discussed, but I am beginning to learn more about myself and what makes effective teaching that is conducive to student learning by working with all of these master teachers and human beings. I just hope that quarter two is a little less eventful. :)

With that resolved, or at least closer to resolution, I was able to give myself permission to relax and enjoy vacation! I arrived in San Francisco, where Elaine and her wonderful boyfriend, Charles, picked me up and promptly took me to an In-N-Out! It was awesome! I have to admit, I have not been as relaxed or as carefree as I was in SF since commencement. I loved both SF and Berkeley so much, and had an amazing time catching up with Elaine, Kimi, Alyssa, and Danica. For the record, Berkeley is very similar to Ithaca! It was neat to be back in that environment, and I would love to spend more time there in the future. Good thing I'm going back for one more night!

Next, it was onto the east coast to visit with my grandma, my aunt and uncle, and to meet up with my parents. It was a nice day in Maryland before heading back up to NYC! There, we saw Jan, which is always the highlight of my trips! And we got to hang out with Emi! So many wonderful people. :). After three days of NYC, I left my parents to spend a final day with Jan, and departed for Ithaca. It was very strange - I felt all of the same anxiety that I did as a scared freshman, and every return trip back to Ithaca thereafter, as I boarded the bus early in the morning at port authority. I was immediately second-guessing my decision to return for a quick visit. I never intended to return this soon after graduation, I was dreading the awful bus ride, and was concerned about what it would be like to be back in Ithaca as an awkward alum. Boy, was I off-base!

An hour away from Ithaca, I got a text from my former roomie saying, "We're still in bed I was still drunk a few hours ago whoops." Texts like that make me smile because they perfectly capture the hilarity I got to experience everyday that I lived with such a fun bunch. Even though I didn't participate in drunken shenanigans as often as most of my friends did, I always got a kick out of hearing the stories over breakfast in our PJs!

As soon as I got in, I was picked up by two of my very best friends and former roomies. It was awesome! The weather was perfectly fall, and we immediately went to one of my favorite hangs, CTB, and met up with Erika, who could easily be my better half in life. It was amazing to catch up with everyone and simply be in their presence again. Even if just for that reason, the trip was worth it. Besides, I don't know when I'll be back again.

That night, I had the honor of speaking on behalf of NAfME to a bunch of amazing friends - some old, and some new. I was humbled by them giving up their time, and was inspired by their questions and curiosity. I hope that they got as much out of our hour together as I did! After, we went to Chili's for dinner and drinks, and I went to bed comfortably buzzed. The next day, it was nonstop coffee dates with amazing people, and running into old friends and professors from 9-5. I got to catch up with another first year teacher blogger, Alexis! It's so helpful to talk with someone who is in the same boat as you. I couldn't have felt more of an abundance of love in Ithaca, and honestly had the best two days since...well..San Francisco! :) I got to pick the brains of several people, and getting advice and encouragement from BP just made everything make sense. God, I miss Ithaca. Why can't real life be like college?

I had an amazing day, a stellar night, and a wonderful send off from Air. I got back into the city and had the pleasure of catching up with Emi, making dinner with Jan, and getting drinks with Jimmy. The next day, I was going to be all alone and entirely free, which in theory, is good for catching up on things. For me, it can go one of two ways:

If I am swamped with work and need the extra time, it's a great thing. I get caught up, and I'm not cranky;If I'm not too busy and a little lonely, I start thinking, and not in a good way. I haven't been too terribly anxious much since moving home, aside from a few bouts that never lasted long here and there. In fact, none of it has been too terrible in the last ten months, or even a year. Thanks to free college therapy and good ol' experience, I've actually learned many coping strategies and have explored some of the situations that make me anxious. Also, for the amount of anxiety I have and how well I function despite it, I can't even be classified as someone who has an anxiety disorder. Just throwing that out there as background information. However, sometimes it comes up, and sometimes it bothers me. This has been the first day in many where I had been totally alone, and it led to me getting a little anxious. What triggered it? Well I'm dumb, and this should be predictable by now. After waking up, I stumbled upon some performances by other Hawaii bands, and started freaking out because I'm not sure if our bands can achieve that high level of performance. Do I freak out with literature? Nope, because it's not my expertise, and I'm open to taking any advice. Do I freak out with orchestra? Nope, ditto. General music or piano? Same. So why band? It's kind of like horn, I guess - it's the thing I'm supposed to be good at. And I am better at it than any of those things, but it also means I hold myself to higher standards. Sometimes, unrealistically high standards.

I eventually got out of the house, went for a run, found a Starbucks, and calmed down a bit. But I was just feeling so inspired and comfortable after being in Ithaca that I didn't understand how I could feel this way. Glee, my summer school class, went so well, and I was really nervous about that because I had no show choir experience. Was it because I didn't know what I was doing? Or was it because I had a bunch of overly-enthusiastic older-elementary school girls? Or the two hours a day we had? Or the fact that it was my only job? It was probably all of those things. Don't get me wrong - my current job is going very well, and I've been told that by just about every group - parents, students, admin, faculty, etc. Using my rational brain, it is going well. However, I just haven't been feeling satisfied with my own work (the students are doing well, and would be doing better if I continued to improve, I'm sure). Is it the job? Is it me? Is it my course load? I wasn't sure what it was, but something was missing, leaving me feeling frustrated and unsuccessful, almost like an itch that can't be scratched cause you don't know where it is.

So, I got over it and picked up a book and read (which I had to do for literature anyway), and alas, was immediately distracted from my unhelpful thoughts. I've found that reading is a particularly useful distraction strategy for me, and it's not harmful, so it's something I stick with. I do feel a little guilty about having to distract myself from my thoughts, but then again, I realize that these thoughts are not helpful nor necessary, and from experience, I know that they pass and are futile, so distract I will.

Anyway, I got home and was feeling significantly more relaxed, and opened up to my amazing sister about what I was feeling. She shared her first-year-post-college experiences with me, which always makes me feel significantly more normal. She gave me great advice on everything from making friends to work to surviving a new lifestyle. Also, I love how she's real with me and told me that she had many meltdowns post-college, and that things didn't get better for a while. Sometimes when you go to people for advice, they tell you that everything will be ok and butter you up with compliments. Jan is certainly encouraging, but she also shares realistically what it was like, which actually makes me feel much better.

However, the most significant suggestion was that I should come up with a few specific and realistic goals for the first year to year and a half and stick to achieving those. Then, I'll know what my next goals will be for the program. Also, she told me to try everything to get a sense of what works and what doesn't work for that school. Ding ding ding!! It suddenly dawned on me, and I told her - I had very few specific goals written out, so I didn't know how to define success. For glee, I did a much better job of outlining goals. I have a list of national content and achievement standards posted in my room to help guide my general music plans, but that's about it. No wonder I wasn't feeling successful - I hadn't defined success! That's also when I realized that success at this school, this year - my first year and the first year of rebuilding the program - will look differently than success at a huge, established program. I kept saying that I needed to sit down and plan my general music curriculum (December, when I become full time and the one in charge of it), and that I need to pick rep and stuff, which has been causing me some anxiety, but I never actually sat down and laid out personal and professional goals for myself and the program. This is huge, it's why I was becoming anxious, and it's why I felt like nothing was ever enough, despite knowing rationally that I have done much in eight weeks.

The part of me that's always doubting myself and coming up with worst-case scenarios wants to think that it's not that simple, but the rational part of me really buys this. I mean, I've had no shortage of ideas and have executed them well, and learned from my mistakes when I haven't, but I haven't actually written out my goals and taken concrete steps toward them. In college, they do it for you - it's called a syllabus, and it tells you exactly what you need to do to succeed. No wonder I've been feeling unsuccessful - I didn't know what success would look like, so I didn't realize I had stumbled over it. My next post will be my personal, professional, and program goals. I'll have some goals for students, some for the program, and some for me. Jan gave me the great idea to make two new friends by the time she comes home. They don't need to be BFFs, but people I wouldn't feel weird about calling for coffee. It's easy to do that in college, when you're forced into dorms and classes with these people, but it's more challenging in the real world. That being said, I have perspective that I did not have four years ago - it took me two full years to settle into college so much so that it felt like a second home. And that was college!! Also, when I got to college, I couldn't get over the fact that everybody seemed so different from me and thought of myself as an outsider for far too long. Little did I realize that we are all so much alike. I am much more open to new experiences and meeting new people, even if it is a little uncomfortable at first. For the last year, all I've wanted is the opportunity and challenge of being new again - I was getting comfortable in Ithaca, and I knew it - I hungered for fresh opportunity. Now, I have it, but it kind of sucks being a beginner. It's not that it isn't worth it, but I'm always torn between wanting to be comfortable somewhere and wanting a challenge. I feel guilty if I'm comfortable, like I should be forging onward, but I feel lonely and incomplete when I'm in the process of growth. Should I get comfortable in Hawaii, or should I aim for this to be a temporary thing, and look toward making my way back to the mainland? I don't know, and Jan told me that I don't need to figure that out now. Perhaps she is right. I need to meet and grapple with this challenge in life before the joy ride can come, and before I can decide what's next.

To be honest, I'm a little scared of being comfortable - my biggest fear right now is settling, because I feel that I am prone to it (for instance, I never pushed myself to do summer camps, and I often made decisions in the past five-ten years that have allowed me to be comfortable as opposed to challenged). And yet, at the same time, I have taken on tremendous challenges such as going to college five thousand miles away, and sticking with it when the going got tough. In a way, deciding now is a cop out - I need to see how things go and then make an informed decision. I'm not afraid of being happy - I love being happy! I guess I'm just afraid of making decisions on a subconscious level because I want to be comfortable.

Enough about that.

I'm now comfortably waiting in the Detroit Metro Airport for the shuttle to East Lansing, where I get to hang out with yet another college bestie, Eric! Just a day here, and then it's off to SF again.

It's been a while, a ton has happened, and I've had some time to reflect, hence the novel. If you have any thoughts, feel free to chime in - I'm all ears! This post, although it helped me work through some professional goals, was mostly personal. Back to work on Monday, so more teaching music goodness then. Until then, I'll keep working on my goals and you'll (all two of you) definitely hear from me then!