Whoooo-oah, we're halfway there!

Welp, I attempted several blog posts between early November and now, and failed due to a lack of time, every time. I tried to chronicle the work that goes into each monthly school mass. I tried to chronicle the frustration of small school politics. I tried to chronicle the joy of our first community-service field trip. I tried to chronicle the fact that an unusual shift was happening - I was starting to feel more at home in Kailua and in this new job. However, the three weeks of post-thanksgiving hell snuck up on me, and I did not have a chance. Instead, let's do a macro-level recap of quarter two.

After we came back from the quarter break, things started to get a little better, and students began to progress in ways that I couldn't have expected. I went away to break feeling hopeless, telling everyone that I was a failed music teacher because my brass sounded terrible, despite me being a horn player. When we came back, I was lucky enough to witness these students progress, simply due to time and patient breath work and call and response exercises, no it was very, very rewarding. I learned to chill out because much of what I teach simply takes time.

At times, I found myself very frustrated with the fact that I barely get to see my instrumental kids (comparatively, anyway), but I found myself less exhausted and more content than in the first quarter. I felt like an utter failure and like things were totally chaotic during most of the first quarter. In contrast, the second quarter was more predictable and stable.

Socially, I began to find a routine, get to know the baristas at Starbucks, and even made a couple new friends. However, the largest social/emotional change became apparent during the last week of the second quarter. I spent most of the first two quarters wanting to apply to grad school, get out of this situation, and return to school. I was good in school, good at school, and enjoyed school very much. However, I forgot that it was not always that way. In fact, I spent most of the first two years just wanting to get a job and go home. Fast forward to the last week of school; for the first time, I found myself seeing posts about ford feet, and quite frankly, not even caring. College and its shenanigans used to be the best part of my life, and all of a sudden, I was preparing for a concert to bring a meaningful experience to my students, myself, and the community. Ford fest is alright, but it was a thing of my past, and I was ready to move on. Whoa.

That was a little scary, because I heard people say all the time how hard it is to go back to school once you're out. I never thought I'd fall into that trap - I fucking love school and would always want to go back. All of a sudden, even if I'm possibly in search of a job with more opportunities for growth, I liked what I was doing and had no desire to return to the days of old. I'm also starting to feel more comfortable with those around me. It took me two years to warm up to my classmates a IC, but only about six months to warm up to my colleagues. I struggle, because this school is so caring, and so very appreciative of what I've done this semester, but I went to college to become the best music teacher I could be, not the best music-band-orchestra-piano-liturgical minister-literature-math teacher I could be. More on that later.

All of a sudden, I found myself in the middle of my mentor teacher's retirement concert. Holy crap, where did the time go?! It was such an honor to perform for her, and it was great to see the entire school come together to send her off. It hit me that I have enormous shoes to fill, and that this lady who has been carefully guiding me through the minefield of this small catholic school really knows the ins and outs, the motivations and sore spots of every teacher, and just how to make everything in her music department run smoothly while staying out of the heat of gossip and drama. She is truly a master teacher.

That last week, bee tee dubs since I had no idea, is pretty much for watching movies, having parties, and rehearsing for the all-school Christmas program. I had no idea this program was such a huge deal, but I ended up spending all except one hour a day on my feet, in the church, running logistics, setting up mics, telling kids when to move, and running songs. I couldn't figure it out, but on Thursday, my legs and feet were so frickin' sore, and my whole odd was exhausted in a way that I had never experienced before. I got more sleep during that last week than I would during college finals, but it was so much more demanding and physically exhausting than anything I had ever done as a student. However, there were still some similarities to my first-ever college finals week. For instance, I didn't know how it would play out, I was not as organized as I could've been, but certainly was able to pull everything off, and found out that I would in fact survive it all, and come out on the other end much better than expected. Let's talk concerts!

Thursday was nuts. I can't talk about it here, but if I thought I experienced faculty drama before, I got totally bitched out and reamed mid-rehearsal by a colleague who felt it her right to go off her rocker at me. It was all resolved, and I was not even anywhere close to being at fault for anything, but it as awful to experience not only mid-rehearsal, in front of 300 kids, but on the day of my first instrumental concert. God damn, some days, I think I really gotta get out of this place. Oh, and another faculty member totally tried to guilt trip me for something insanely ridiculous, that there's no way I could do on such short notice. Small schools really come with their own bag of quirks. I should write a book on this one day.

Back to Thursday. I was so nervous about that first concert. The advertisement for the spaghetti dinner and concert went better than we ever could've expected, and for 40 kids in music, we had 165 coming to the dinner alone. Crap. The dress rehearsal went well, and we even finished early. I let the kids run around like banshees to burn off stream. It was so cute - my third graders were so freakin' excited and nervous, and the big kids were nervous, too! They were really pumped for this! Then we ate dinner, and the kids managed to ask me every stupid question possible while I was trying to eat my dinner. I finally gave up, realized I was too nervous to eat anyway, and changed into my suit. It was wonderful to see these young kids dressed professionally and ready to perform. I had wonderful parent volunteers helping me out, and we got them all to the church 45 minutes ahead to tune. We had parents busting down the doors trying to get in, which is definitely not a bad problem to have! I got the, tuned, had the, sit, opened up the doors a bit early, and the place flooded with people. It was so beautiful to see the church filled with people, and for our first concert! I seriously couldn't believe it, and neither could our principal. We started one minute early (holla!), and he gave an absolutely beautiful introduction. My heart was in my mouth, and I couldn't think straight, but the evening went just fine. The kids played their best, the audience was supportive, and afterward, the response was tremendous. Obviously this concert was very small, both in terms of size and scope, but everyone seemed to love it, and most importantly, the kids were hooked. They loved the experience and several parents came up to me thanking me, wrote emails of praise, and mentioned that their kids want to study privately and sign up again for next year. Hell, we even got a handful more who want to join mid-year! I don't know how that will work, but I know that next year we will have some respectable numbers for a school of our size!

I went home pleased with how most things went. Don't get me wrong - nothing was perfect, but there were a few really beautiful moments, and the things that didn't go so well taught me much, both logistically and musically. I already know how to improve for next time. Speaking of next time, I knew there would be a spring concert, but the next day, the principal came up to me, along with the head of the PTSA, asking when the next one will be. They really want to go all out for it, which is wonderful to see. The principal, whom I already admire so much, told me that I made his year, and it's only December. He could not get over how well it went both musically and logistically. He also commented that he saw an incredibly professional side of me that he had not seen before (not that I was unprofessional, but he meant in a more formal, serious way). He was seriously blown away and was way too kind with his praises. Several teachers also came up offering their congratulations. Again, I knew the event would play out pretty much exactly how it did. I did not realize how well it would be received, or that people would be so impressed. Hopefully this will give me the support to go ahead and schedule more rehearsals (haha, with what free time?), do more for, and ask more of everyone involved in instrumental music.

Since delayed gratification is something we struggle with in a classroom full of instant-gratification-oriented students, it has been on my mind recently. Getting all of this praise recently made realize that much of my job involves delayed gratification as well. I worked my ass off to advocate for band and orchestra and often got nowhere. Don't get me wrong - we have a very supportive administration, but a small school is a small school, and neater how much I tried, my program would never resemble the program at a larger school. However, it seemed that after that concert, just about everyone was on board to do whatever they could to support the budding program. I had to walk the walk for a semester and prove myself to them in order to get that kind f emotional support. And, this is only the beginning - I can see how after years of hard work, the support would be even stronger. It really is encouraging!

Right before this concert, I had found the attached diagram of the stages of first year teaching. I can pretty say say I had been in the disillusionment doldrums for all of December. I even found myself googling what grad programs I could apply to with a music education degree. Things were seeming pretty hopeless and quite frankly, pretty shitty. However, I must say: I am learning so much on the fly (building the plane as I fly it, anyone?), and things get a little better each week. I will be ten times more effective next quarter, and next year. And if this program continued to grow, in three and five years. The biggest hurdle I face right now is figure out if I want to stay; the school is in some trouble with enrollment, and I can't always say that I enjoy the work environment with all the drama and gossip. The problem is that I am certainly very much appreciated, and I feel very guilty for thinking about leaving. What I might do, though, is apply to grad school and the DOE no matter what, simply to cover my bases with the enrollment situation. I'll definitely give it another year, but I also can't help but think about how much I could do for the students if I taught somewhere where I could focus on instrumental music, or even simply just music, and had the time in the schedule to have real rehearsals.

For now, I'm content on the buzz of knowing I did what I could and our first concert and first semester as a music program was pretty successful. I now have three weeks to myself, but not quite - I need to buy rep, plan, arrange, write a general music curriculum, create projects, and prepare myself for full time teaching, which will involve teaching a subject that I'm still unsure of. My paycheck will double, but my time will dwindle. I still have a vague fear of settling for less than I know I'm capable of, both in terms of my career and in personal relationships and living situations. However, I'm content with doing all I can while I'm here, giving things some time, and working on dealing with the guilt that I have surrounding possible job changes. Here's to break, rejuvenation, and coming out of disillusionment! Merry Christmas!