Learn to love the questions

"...have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves... At present you need to live the question... Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.” - Rilke, "Letters to a Young Poet"

This excerpt was given to me late in my last semester at IC by a counselor at CAPS who helped me grapple with some of the large and sometimes frightening questions in my heart and in my head. I did not expect it to affect me as deeply as it did. Since, I've folded it up and kept it in a safe place for a rainy day.

As the comments on my last post will show, I've been rather contemplative lately. My last post accomplished exactly what I wanted - a dialogue began, and I had great conversations with several friends over the last few days about educational philosophy. In most cases, I shared my uncertainties with friends, and they seemed to have an immediate answer to my problem. Upon revisiting the issue and explaining its implications in regard to the development of critical thinking skills and student autonomy, both parties ended up going "herrrmmmm, this could really go either way." I never really got a clear cut answer, but as my philosophy professor explained, philosophy doesn't go around in a circle, it moves in a spiral. With each iteration, we understand more deeply. I have gained some insight that will inform my practices as soon as tomorrow morning, but still, there is no apparent right or wrong answer. Perhaps the stimulation from tossing around such issues with the great minds of dear friends was the gift.

On the other hand, when I begin to think, I REALLY begin to think. One would say I'm guilty of overthinking things (OK, that's an understatement). This coupled with way too much damn free time this weekend (not complaining, just sayin') led me to spend way too much time thinking and not enough doing for the first time since the end of the semester. So much has been going on in my life since the last few weeks of classes, and this weekend was the first time I had a second to breathe. It was a little unnerving to start spinning around worst case scenarios in my head, but thankfully I've been prepared to handle these from many of them sneaking up one before.

Back to the aforementioned Rilke quote. We all have questions, and I'm sure we all are (or at least I am) searching for immediate answers in this age of instant-gratification. Perhaps if we don't have an answer, it is because we aren't ready to live it! I'm not sure what prompted me to go looking for that quote, but my present inner philosophical debate might have had somehthing to do with it. Rilke was onto something, that's fa sho.

For example, I was pretty nervous about teaching this glee class. Who am I to say I'm qualified to teach a show choir class, much less one to 7-10 year olds whose voices are ever-so-delicate? All I could focus on was how unqualified I was and how little I knew. Day one came and went, and it was waaaaay better than I ever could've hoped for. In fact, it was downright successful! The last three weeks have been the same. Of course, I still get butterflies in my stomach five minutes before the girls enter our classroom, and there are days that are less successful than others. I simply adjust and make the next day better. I expected the class to be a total flop, for us to not be prepared enough to even pull off a concert, and for me to lose my cool, freak out, and not know what I was doing. Did that happen? Not even by a long shot. There are three weeks left, so I know I can't just park my butt in a lawn chair, crack open a cold one, and chill, but I am feeling much more confident about my (beginning) teaching abilities. I'm REALLY enjoying this class. I prepare, reflect, and definitely put in the time to make it a success, but I'm not stressing over it, I'm ENJOYING IT, and the girls are all doing very well and from what I can tell, loving it. It even makes me feel that I can be a little more confident in my own abilities without feeling like an imposter.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that all of that fear was for nothing, because I'm sure that without it, I would not have prepared as meticulously. However, it was unfounded and largely blown out of proportion. I'm noticing that this seems to be a significant theme in my life. That knowledge, though it is not magical, somewhat dulls my fears about beginning my "real job" in the fall (wait...IN LESS THAN ONE MONTH). AHHHH. Still, it is reassuring to know that my past fears have been, in general, unfounded, and the ones that did foreshadow some sort of issue were more terrifying than they needed to be. I just wasn't ready for the answer, that's all.

Why mention this? There are plenty of questions in the world, put perhaps we can all take a little time to appreciate the questions (fears, concerns, etc.) a little more, knowing that when we are ready to live the answer, we will. Also, I'm trying to remind myself (daily, in fact) that I am a beginner at this whole real world, grown up, real teaching thing, and it's OK to be a beginner...fun, even! A friend and I chatted over a bowl of ramen about how we spent so much time as transplants from Hawaii in NY, complaining about the cold, the unfriendly people, how we were so misunderstood, and how much we missed home. While we were busy being unhappy, we were missing the time in our lives that was supposed to be confusing, new, and unlike anything we had ever known. I'm going to try to enjoy the ride a little more this time around, as new and unusual as it may be.

Anyone else had experiences that turned out to be entirely different, whether good or bad, than expected? Share! Time to grab my pretentious camelbak and head off for an afternoon of surfing and hanging on the beach with one of my best friends!

DA